Scale.

The longer I spend here the more I find my preconceptions are changing. Scale is an interesting thing. I spent four years basically studying it and in the end I was more confused than when I began. Scale applies everywhere and I suppose in terms of climbing if you look on a small scale you can end up limiting yourself. I think I still have some slight uni-club/ Irish climbing preconceptions. A friend once told me I'd never climb harder than E1. The same friend also told me it'd be a long time before I'd climb Lightning Crack in Lough Dan while I was standing at the bottom looking up the route. I agreed and walked away that day but came back a couple of months later and on-sighted it. It was a small mental victory and my ideas of what I might be able to do slowly changed. A lot of the time in the Irish climbing community there's a reluctance to go somewhere in case it rains. The farthest high quality crags Fairhead and The Burren are maybe four hours from Dublin and most people won't make a trip if the weather's iffy because its considered a long way to go. I remember when growing up it was considered a long way to go to Dublin from home. It was only an hour and a half! Suddenly things in Ireland seemed close as we were going on seven hours driving to get to Aviemore for a few days climbing last week! Over here I wonder sometimes how I didn't manage to do more back in Ireland.

Hitting some snow somewhere inside the Scottish border after 7 hours.

I'd been annoying Greg and Will all week asking for conditions updates. Knowing what the weather had been doing it was a hard decision to make to head up. Its a long way to go to sit in a house in Aviemore. Luckily with Greg in Dundee and Will based in Aviemore for a few months the decision was a bit easier. After four hours sleep in the car myself and Will Hardy were walking into Sneachda with Belhaven in mind as Will Sim had done it the day previous and reckoned it was in good enough condition.

We got slightly cluster fucked. Probably for several reasons. Cold, lack of sleep and lack of experience. Also the amazing weather in Wales last year allowed me to forget the suffering involved! It was the hardest route either of us had tried. I went for a standard easy winter route amount of extenders and took ten not thinking that there could be lots of gear if needed up the top corner. After I handed the lead over to Will he got stopped fairly quickly unwilling to commit to a short slightly technical wall. We switched again and I took back over. I committed to the hooks, got my feet on and stepped up. With my arm locked off I dredged an axe through the snow at the top of the short wall. Nothing was catching so  I swung it at a corner. It stuck in something hidden by the snow. I committed and pulled myself up using my knees. There was a bit of groveling! I continued to the base of the main corner and stuck in a belay. Again I gave the lead over to Will. About fifteen meters up he realised that he didn't have enough extenders to continue. There was a convenient thread so we abbed. I was too tired and cold to be messing around so the decision was made pretty quickly.

Lots of food and sleep later we were walking into Sneachda again. I got dizzy and my eyes couldn't focus. I went back down.

I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get much out of the few days so when Will Sim suggested dragging us up Magic Crack I didn't mind the idea. My confidence in myself has defiantly been improved before by being dragged up harder routes by Will and I was also interested to see what is required to climb Scottish VII, 7.

The next day dawned on the walk in. The wind blew, the snow fell and the route was out of condition. We decided to look at The Message on Mess of Pottage. Will headed up the first pitch to put us at the bottom of the groove.

Will Sim heading up the first pitch of The Message.

Looking up from the belay I knew I wanted the next pitch. Nice looking climbing up a groove. It was deceptively accommodating looking but I knew there must be a well protected sting in the tail. I geared up and started climbing.

Bridged in the groove I looked at the gear cluster at my waist. There was a peg out high on the left. The footholds and hooks on the right wall disappeared. The torque and hook on the left wall were amazing but it overhung. I could see the footholds out left. Fairly big and friendly, calling like a siren song. But it was steep, slightly overhanging. I didn't want to go out there. I glanced at the guys and thought they must be cursing me at this stage. Spin drift was pouring down and the wind was blowing the falling snow up the crag. Four meters from glory. Practically a tech 6 boulder problem. "Don't make me go out there," I thought, "please! NO!"  The demons were laughing. I stuck a tentative foot out high and left. The other foot followed and I was committed. Trusting the left hook I removed the right axe from the bomber torque. That was the worst bit. I continued pulling. Onto the easy ground. Relief. I drank in the air like a free diver breaking the surface. I don't understand why I always forget to breathe! I felt ill. I brought the guys up and Will Hardy finished up a nice pitch of climbing to the top.

Will Hardy about to go left!

So scale. Success on few meters of tech 6. Insignificant in terms of climbing but the psychological boundaries have moved a bit again. Not too long until the States now, apparently the conditions are looking good for this time of year.

Projects and Trips.

Its always good to have a project or a trip. Something to aim for makes the boredom of training worth it. Its always better if its a big trip, its easy to train harder and if you have fun along the way with good friends all the better!

To explain better I've booked flights to Boston in Janurary. I'm going here!

Cathedral Ledge, New Hampshire.

So motivation wise I'm doing pretty well. I've a big trip planned, all be it for two weeks. The flights are booked so I'm committed. Its in the States so its far enough away that I really want to make the most of it.

I'll be staying with Bayard who I met on the BMC meet nearly two years ago now in Scotland. I defiantly didn't think at the time that it who have such an impact on my life in terms of the climbing opportunities that have appeared and the people I met then that I keep running into.

Bayard on Daddy Long Legs, Northern Corries.

On the training side of things I've been to the wall a few times (boring) and I've been drytooling a bit. The quarries is as ever not very exciting but I've also been to White Goods twice this season.

The first session went well, warmed up on the wall on the right and got fairly high on Jaz first go with lots of beta from Si Frost and Dave Almond. I'm not sure I was really taking in all the detail Dave was giving me hanging on pumped stupid trying to lock off on a flat edge!

This weekend saw my second session at White Goods for the annual (this is the second time it has been on) White Goods meet organised by Dave Garry. A good crowd was there and the highlight of my day was an onsight of a deceptively steep M6+ on the right hand end of the cave. Defiantly a great route for getting used to torquing!

Si Frost going for axe retrieval.

With a few faces from the BMC meet I hadn't seen in two years and the meet based out of a pub Saturday night went sideways fairly quickly. I managed to fall off my warm up on Sunday two clips up and nearly fell again clipping the chains. Instead I managed to strain my shoulder and hang on, pull up and clip to finish.I was defiantly trying to climb it like in the quarries instead of using the sometimes delicate technique required. Oh and I was very hungover. I can confirm that alcohol defiantly affects performance! I only scared the crap out of poor Megan in the process. Still no one got hurt!

And failing!

I decided to feel ill for a while and watched Ramon establish Careful Torque a new M11 traverse of the lip of the main cave. It was really impressive to watch and defiantly has me psyched to train harder. It was a great event and I'm defiantly psyched to try a few of the harder lines. It was also great to meet some new people and catch up with some old friends.

Ramon on Careless Torque.

I've been sticking in a few runs recently and tonight myself, John, Sophie and Ruth headed up the Pyg track and down the Miner's path. It was moonlit on the way back and I managed to run without a torch! It is also getting very cold. I had been tricked into thinking that we were going for a short jaunt around the lake. Needless to say I was woefully under dressed and under equipped for a run in the hills up to 800m. An hour and a half and one mild case of hypothermia later I can confirm that its getting cold and trying to snow up high!! Winter is coming and I'm getting excited!

Routes, Lakes and Cats!

The guides have gone. That's the the biggest change in the last few weeks. Really short evenings and a house to myself. Its all good though! Just had a great few days in the lakes with Sarah and have done some great routes in the last few weeks. Biggest news is that I ran for a good few hours and my hip though uncomfortable doesn't shoot with pain when I go up hill.

The best route of the last few weeks has defiantly been The Strand on upper tier Gogarth. Its a stunning line and defiantly one which jumped out at me from the guidebook pages. Another E2 5b classic test piece and long, a full 42m. It was a massive  mental effort for me to get on it. I hate blowing an onsight, especially on a classic. I don't know why but getting to the top of a route when you've climbed it bottom to top with no knowledge of the moves or gear feels so much better. The Strand isn't particularly hard to figure out gear wise, you can throw two racks at it and something will go in nearly every metre. I just worried wether my arms would last to the top.

On a damp Thursday afternoon Will and myself arrived at the bottom of the crack line. It didn't look too bad but was wet so we headed down to Imitator so Will could practice a traverse rescue for his assessment and the sun could come around and dry the route. Down at the ledge below Emulator and Imitator I looked back in the direction of The Strand. The shortening that a wall takes on when you stand at the bottom was gone, the pitch looked massive. Long and sustained. The doubts crept in. Some messing around later we were back at the bottom of The Strand. "It still looks wet," I convinced myself. Will knew I had psyced myself out so we went round and he cruised up a damp Run Fast, Run Free. I didn't even bother to second and abed off after Will from the top of the 4b pitch. We went home.

The following day I was back with Tom Grant who has just started on the guide scheme and again I was standing at the bottom of the Strand. It hadn't rained overnight and we'd just done Emulator. I didn't really have a valid excuse not to just try. So I racked up. I tied in and for the first time in months it felt like I climbed. I kept thinking of stopping. Just lowering off. I was just waiting for my arms to fail. I had to remind myself to breathe once or twice but I seemed to keep making upward progress. The climbing was great and arriving at the top felt amazing. I can still see the ropes running back down the crack through a string of gear to Tom below and the land falling away to the sea. The thought makes me smile.

The following week I rang Joe to see if he wanted to have a cup of tea. "Why are you ringing me?" was the response I got, "The weather's good. Ring Davey and see if he want's to go climbing!" So I did and he did and we ended up in Tremadog. The top pitch of Meshach was the highlight of the day. I retreated from the peg to pace a half sized wallnut and an RP 5 before continuing after Davey had a conversation with someone saying how the peg was sawed off and still stuck out loads!

I'm just back from a great few days running in the Lakes with Sarah. We arrived up in Ambleside to hear that ultrarunning legend Scott Jurek would be in The Climbers Shop at five the following day. I remembered reading about him in Born to Run. The bit that always stuck with me from the book was the way he collapsed at the Badwater Ultra lay and the side of the road for a while and then got up and smashed the course record. We decided to be back down to see him! I was a bit concerned that my hip may not last the long run we planned from Harter Fell around the hills to Crinkle Crags in the cafe but I was willing to find out.

The route from below Scafell, just follow the hills right!

We parked at the bottom of Harter Fell and ran over the top into Hardknot Pass to pick up the long trail up Scafell. Three hours in it was getting dark, we were soaked so we decided to pitch up for the night. The usual mess of trying to get a tent up in the rain and keeping it dry followed. We managed to keep everything relatively dry until I spilt half a pot of water on the tent floor. Typical! Dry clothes on, we had some dinner and lay down to sleep.

I struggled to nod off with the hammering rain and howling wind harassing the tent but it eventually came as it always does. At some point in the night I woke up and I could feel Sarah shivering beside me. She had only brought a plastic bivy bag as a ground mat having decided to go really lightweight! "Sarah, are you cold?" I grunted. "No, I'm ok," was the response I got. "Then why are you shivering?" We ended up sharing a Klymit X-Frame mat. They're small. Really I think it was a well thought out tactic to have a bit of a cuddle. She only had to ask!!

A warm, well rested and relatively dry Sarah

We both woke up a few hours later warm and with no rain falling. A bite of malt loaf and some cheese and we packed up and started running up Scafell. The weather closed in and visibility was poor by the time we got to the top. It had started raining again so it was heads down and concentrate on the nav. The rocks were slippy which made some of the going really slow across the tops. Oh and whats with all the cairns?! The bloody things are every ten meters and they go in circles! We made good time up Scafell Pike, across to Esk Pike, Bowfell and onto Crinkle Crags where we slowed up with the nav a bit. I was not entirely sure of my compass and Sarah's was stuck in one position. Going off the map alone we came down the 'bad step' but failed to find the junction bridleway leading back to the road. It looked like the trail we were on would put us a few kilometres further up the road than we wanted and not being able to take a bearing or see more than five metres we continued. A clearing allowed us to make out Great Knott so we kept to paths going right and eventually with a bit of relief arrived back at the road.

Slogging up Scafell Pike.

A few kilometers later we were on the way to Ambleside and managed to arrive just before five to grab a shower in The Climbers Shop and have a cup of coffee before meeting Scott. He's a super nice guy and I now have a signed poster to go up on the wall! Paul invited us up for dinner with Cathy and himself. It was easy to say yes after ten hours running in two days and the venison stew was gratefully received. The best bit about staying in Paul's is the expedition thermarests! A bed was offered but there wasn't a chance I was turning down the option of the thermarest! You'd need a sherpa to carry one if you ever used one on expedition but it'd be worth it! They're amazing. Defiantly something to try before you die. Needless to say I slept soundly.

I'd been in touch with Will as he was now back home in St. Bees. I really wanted to visit the area as I've been hearing how its the best crag in the world all summer. So with a quick call to Will we headed there stopping on the way to run Sharp Edge on Blencathra. It was a fantastic run over some exposed terrain with lot's of people about enjoying the sunny Saturday. I got a few shocked looks which happens when you tear by people with big packs on a narrow ridge. The best comment came from a bloke who exclaimed, "He's not even got a packed lunch!" Run done we continued on to St. Bees and were taken in by Will parents who generously fed us and gave us a place to sleep after a few pints in the pub. I'll not describe the cat sexing incident, just include the comment, "I think I can feel and empty ball sack?" Don't let vet students get drunk!

Sharp Edge.

Sunday was wet so we scrambled down to look at some wet boulders. The tide was in so we couldn't have a tour from the bottom. We walked along the top for a bit with Will pointing out various bits. I want to do a route on the south wall on the head and a bit of exploring would be awesome too! I'll defiantly be back.

I want to climb on this cliff!

A wet Monday had me back in Llanberis so I went and biked back down from the half way house on Snowdon with Llyr. SPD's defiantly make stuff more fun! Still not content I went for a run over the Moel Eilio ridge with John just to make sure my legs were well and truly knackered! It feels great to be running again and I feel like I'm running surprisingly well considering the amount of time off I've had. Maybe I wasn't trying before? Time to apply some of the psyche to training and get on the woodie.

Rain Stops Play.

Intense burning. Where is the point of failure? Suddenly I'm in space. I hope that cam holds. It does. Another failure on a classic crack line. Oh well, I can't save them all forever. I hung there wondering what went wrong but the cramp in my forearms soon distracted me. I had my answer, still not fit. Bit ridiculous really trying something that hard for myself when my hip had just started playing ball again and I was just getting out consistently. Dunno what I expected but I can always hope. 

About to fail on Ferdinand. Photo: John Burrow.

A few days later my arms feel the same pain. I'm undercutting my way across the roof traverse on Zangorilla, following Will. Its wild, I'm pumped and scared and I'm only following! I shouldn't have agreed to belay. It would have been much easier to follow an easy route in trainers. Once the rope was directly above my head, I sat on it pumped.

The last few weeks have continued in the same general trend. Sneaking in routes after work and climbing on days off. I've been to the Orme a bit. I climbed for the first time on LPT and really enjoyed it. I also got reacquainted with a project from back in March (ish). I managed to get up it in sections so I wasn't doing as badly as I thought.

I climbed Main Wall a few weeks ago. It has to rate as one of the best easy routes I've ever done! For some unknown reason I decided to wear my old B2 mountaineering boots. It made some of the leading interesting, particularly the top slab pitch!

Main Wall in big boots! Photo: Will Hardy.

Some evenings have been spent bouldering, remembering problems that felt easy in March when I was fitter. As my confidence in my hip increased in the last few weeks so has the rate of activity. I went for an amazing morning run with Will, Helena and Sarah the other week. This was followed by a trip to Tremadog with Davey Jones, one of Joe Brown's old climbing partners. The guy is a legend. Amazingly experienced and pretty much a walking guidebook. One of the parts of climbing I love is the history, the old stories and characters and I'm lucky to have access to so much of that. We shared some stories and did Grim Wall and The Plum. Both really good routes. The Plum is so contrasting! 

Descending for the first time in ages. (Felt great). Photo: Sarah Ridgway.

I've been exploring on the bike a bit. Its not been very successful in terms of my riding but its been great to get out. I'm having great fun on the route I first took down through the forest with Gareth and Alex all those months ago. Some of the sections I fell off feel quite easy now. I'm well psyched. On a side note, if you ever want colour scheme tips for a mountain bike just ask google. I've currently got a red and white bike with purple bars, green grips and a blue stem. Apparently it all goes! Just check yahoo answers!

Exploring.

Recent weeks have just been more hectic. There's been many parties. Owen left for a bit, I'll miss him. The pace of life seems to leave little time for rest and its great. Most recently I feel in love with sea cliffs again. I forgot what its like to feel that committed to a situation. A recent trip to North Stack wall reignited feelings I had on that cliff in Mayo with Hugh. Its what climbing for me is all about and I didn't even lead a pitch!

A quick call to Davey last Thursday had him ruled out for the day. He thought the weather looked too bad. I agreed but I just couldn't say no to a fidgety Will so we drove to Gogarth to 'have a look'. We got lost looking for Breakwater quarry and it felt like we were wasting precious time. The weather was holding as we arrived at the top of North Stack wall. With my lack of faith in the weather I hadn't thought to bring the ab rope so we went in on the half ropes and pulled them. The only way out was up. Will lead Blue Peter to warm up. I followed quite easily with the safety of a rope above.

Will Sim having a look on The Cad.

The tide was coming in and the weather was closing in as we abbed in again. We pulled the ropes, scrambled out to the boulders and Will committed to the line of The Cad. With a massive run out Will was static on the crux. I reflaked the ropes for the second time to move them from the encroaching water. My boulder was getting smaller. Time was running out. I spent minutes agonising over whether to say something or not. I was glad I wasn't up there but I wasn't overly psyched about my prospects of staying dry where I was. I noticed Will make a foot and kept my mouth shut. A shout cut through the jumbled 'what if' scenarios running through my head. 'What?' I shouted back. 'Take a picture!' carried down through the increasing wind. 'Hurry the fuck up!' was my reply, I knew he was safe now. 

I started belaying in the middle of the picture, it was dry then!

The ropes came tight and a wave broke over my feet. I jumped onto a boulder and traversed to the base of the route. Water was now periodically sweeping over up to my calves. I got hauled up the route by Will. Just after the crux it started pissing down. We were both grinning at the top. It was totally wild and sometimes you just get away with it. We packed up the gear and headed home. I checked my phone in the van. I had a text off Davey, 'We should have gone out.' 

Happy getting away with it!

The terrible forecast for Sunday allowed me to go surfing for the second time ever with Ruth and Sophie. 6 - 8ft powerful waves, strong wind and stormy seas made it interesting when paired with my complete lack of surfing and swimming ability. There's something quite lonely floating there, tired, cold, trying to paddle, fighting an impossible mass of water trying to make progress. I was scared but more so I felt small and completely at the mercy of something huge. Its really hard to describe the sensation of being level with the sea and then suddenly with a swell of water being 6ft up looking down. I achieved my goal for the day of not drowning. I felt I needed to start with a small target and standing up can come at a later time so long as I'm still alive to do it. 

Ruth, Sophie and myself. Happy getting away with is again!

Rain has set in properly for the first time in weeks allowing me to write this. Hopefully I won't have too much time for writing in the coming weeks.

Better Times.

Its been a manic few weeks. What to do when feeling lost and hopeless? Buy a mountain bike. Crash it multiple times. Ride with some great people and enjoy the mountains in a different way. But it didn't fill the hole.

Trying to fill the hole on Snowdon. Photo: Llyr Hughes.

I was in a massive downward spiral and I couldn't see a way to stop it. Not able to concentrate, easily distracted, annoyed, totally confused, lost and in pain. I had the hardest conversation of my life with Paul and Gill. With Molly the collies head in my lap and tears rolling down my eyes I agreed to take some time off and head home to Ireland. Time to see family and friends and just switch off. I seen my Granda, Nana, sister, parents and closest friends. I met Cathal and Michael some old friends from school who I've not seen in a few years but I was like we spoke yesterday. Sitting in a small pub in the middle of no where till 2 am drinking guinness and trying to talk over each other. Some things never change.

I took a while but it worked. After a week at home I picked up a book and for the first time in months I put it down four hours later. I knew then I was getting there.

Relaxing with the pets at home.

Hanging around Dublin a bit I met up with Eoin who's probably broken a few Irish 24hr records since. Talking to him about injury and suddenly having to stop running was really helpful. He was surprised I hadn't fallen apart sooner!

I managed to catch Calvin just before he headed of to France for two months. Clare's retired now so the two of them have all the time in the world to climb as much as they want and wherever they want. Its amazing how seeing the wry grin and delight in Calvin's eyes as he talks about a route gets you psyched to get out on rock.

Jono... Well he's Jono. Constantly psyched. Still remains the best friend/ climbing partner I've ever had. We've probably nearly killed each other multiple times climbing over the years. I think alcohol poisoning could have been a distinct possibility this time.

Recovery guinness taking effect.

Back in Wales, the heatwave struck. I've now been to Cloggy multiple times. I've climbed classics, seen classics climbed and climbed with a classic climber! Seeing Indian Face climbed twice in a day was terrifying. 

Sketching up Vember as George checks Indian Face. Photo: Will Hardy.

Vember, curving crack and new routing with the Dawes have been great fun. Splitting Image and following some E4's on a tight rope down the pass with Will Sim before belaying him on Right Wall a week later. Wanting to go to the pub but being persuaded to just fit in the top pitch of Sabre Cut to get my "Cromlech mojo" (Will's words, not mine) back was great. Looking at new lines in the quarries and Journey to the Centre of the Earth with Mark was just good fun. Falling off at the Grochan and backing off a route with Will Hardy, reminding myself where I think the line is. Classics with John on the Grochan after work. Taking Mam and Dad up Snowdon. Riding the Marin trail with James and Llyr. Its been all go and little rest. Just the way I like it. 

"What we're doing now Brian is rock climbing, I don't know what everything else is." Johnny Dawes on an onsight first ascent mission.

As I stretched for the finishing hold on Bella Lugosi is Dead tonight, slightly gripped, unfamiliar with the slickness of slate, unfit, it again confirmed to me why I'm here. That moment, success, failure, relief. Just to push and see what happens.

Life Catches Up.

I said I was getting better. I wasn't. I've been in steady decline. I've now got two professional opinions that my hip will either get better with exercise or worse. Its not a torn muscle.Worse means operation. I've been told to keep doing what I normally do. Run, climb, keep it active, keep it moving. How can I run when I know its going to be sore? I feel alone and detached.

I hiked my way up to Cloggy last Thursday with Rich. I wanted to get on Shrike. My hip was sore at the top and my mind elsewhere. On reflection I wasn't in the right mind frame. We abseiled in. I was slightly scared and totally in awe. The Axe looked amazing. I pulled onto Shrike. I pretty much came off as quick. A stupid, stupid mistake had me hanging off my only bit of gear just above the ground. Luckily it was a number four camalot. I came back down and got back on. Doubt had set in and I tried to follow the route description as exactly as it sounded. I committed to a traverse and ended up in no man's land. I couldn't find any gear. The swing potential was enough that I would get hurt. “Rich... I'm really not happy,” the tone of my voice said it all “like really not happy.” I didn't know what to do. I placed a large offset in a flared crack that half the nut went into. I twisted it and it popped out. I put it back in. About fifteen slow minutes of contemplation followed. I managed to reverse the traverse... just. I lowered off and Rich lead the route. 

Ritch Gentry cruising pitch two of Shrike.

I thought nothing of it for a few days. Shit happens. I wasn't on form. Whatever. Its one of those things. I know now, its more than that. Life has caught up. I've built a brick wall around a lot of things since moving. A long term relationship was ended over skype and I just got on with life. I didn't know what else do do. Anyone I had around I'd known for less than three months. Everything else was new and exciting. I had good training facilities, unexplored mountains and crags and a massive selection of trad and sports routes. I still do, I've barely scratched the surface but motivation has died when I know its going to hurt. The enjoyment and freedom I get from the situations when I'm at my limit has been dead recently because I can't push. Its impossible to concentrate when pain shoots through my right hip when I move it a certain way.

I moved to North Wales to climb and work. I needed a job and the location was the luckiest thing that's ever happened to me. But now, being injured, I feel foreign and isolated. Everyone I know climbs and I'm not really climbing at the minute. It defiantly makes me question my life decisions and miss friends and family back home.

The Axe. One of the most stunning routes in North Wales. A good reason to live here.

I'm really struggling at the minute.

I've been denying it to myself for a long time. The brick walls have stood and I've ran and climbed. There was always another project or trip and now there's not. I've no plans, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm lost. I thought I could deal with it but clearly I can't.

Chris was around the other morning. I came downstairs just before work. “How's it going man?” I mumbled a response. He looked at me, “Are you ok?” For the first time in a long time I was honest, I paused and thought, “no.” and I broke down.

Work has been amazing. I've been off for three days and they know exactly why and I've been told to take the time I need. I know this will all pass and I'll wonder what was ever wrong with me but at the moment I'm really struggling. Its not easy to leave everything behind and trade it for something else overnight. I've denied it to myself for a long time and now I need to accept it, deal with it and move on. Its hard.

Lonley.

I've made great friends in North Wales and I'm here for the duration however long that is. I love this place, I love the climbing but being injured sucks. Recently I've been grounded, torn muscle in the hip and tight everything makes even walking painful. Basically everything hurts, I can't run, I can't cycle and climbing hurts fuckloads. Last week I was sitting around the house alone as has been the general trend recently. I went for a walk in the rain around the back of Vivian Quarry. The bluebells were amazing. I got home two hours later, it was still early enough in the day and I was at a loss as for what to do. I cooked some eggs for dinner and sat at the table, tried to eat them and cried. Its hard to say and admit but it happened. I've never felt so alone in my life and I don't know why. Probably a combination of injury and change. Rich noticed when he walked into the shop the next day. He said it looked like I'd been crying. I denied it of course. Chris and Karen I think, noticed and have pretty much taken me in the last few days. It means the world to me to have people like that in my life.

Myself and Chris, a smile hides all. Photo - Richard Williams.

Its only because I feel much better now I'm comfortable saying this. One year is not long but its been enough for me to realise a lot. Its hard to move countries, leaving friends and family behind. Sure modern communication helps but I've seen my family for possibly four or five days in the last year and a bit. I missed Christmas and god knows what else in between. I think change and distance has finally caught up with me a bit and I'll deal with in time. New and exciting has changed to routine. Since I've struggled every day gets easier. Climbing provides freedom from everything. I have great friends. It was Gogarth with the Americans last week, I'm on for a painful slog to Cloggy in the morning. Joe said he'd love to be able to just walk up and have a look at it, I'm going to climb. I know life is good and I'm really lucky. But seriously get in touch, come stay, the door is always open and I'd love to see people.

Tired and Happy.

Well the trip to Fairhead got cancelled last minute. Gutted. I probably wasn't fit enough to make the most of it anyway. It would be more gutting if I didn't live where I do. Still lots of rock and routes for me to get on with over here! Not a bad situation to be in. My hip is still fucked from the mountain marathon in Scotland and my ankle is sensitive but it can deal with a bit of discomfort. Luckily this hasn't affected my climbing too much and I've got a lot done the last few weeks.

First route was straight off the train from Scotland the other week, I followed Helena up Centerfold at Roscolyn. Helena's defiantly on form at the minute. We got started just after 7. She cruised it and finished before dark! A great effort as the route seems tricky to read. I had a mare getting up it with a swollen ankle I couldn't weight and a very tired body. I managed to get to the top eventually with most of the gear back. Lovely clear star lit skies at the coast made it worth it.

I forced myself to rest for a few days which didn't work. I took the bike out for a 30 mile loop after work. Ended up freezing because I was going so slow! I crashed for about 11 hours after that and woke up at 7 the next morning. I knew I shouldn't climb. I hadn't arranged to. "Everyone will already be sorted for the day" I tried to convinced myself, "that's a good thing, rest." It was a lovely day. By 9 I had texted everyone in my phone book. I felt better. Ben replied saying he was free. I threw some gear together. I hate wasting a sunny day in North Wales!

We cycled down the pass with not much in mind. Craig Ddu which is nearly always sopping wet was dry! It also involved the shortest walk and the least uphill cycling. Ben pointed me at a wall with a route called Sea Panther on it. I racked up and pulled onto the wall. The climbing felt really good. The odd quartz feature nice positive holds. The gear was a little spaced in spots but with the holds and moves never felt bold.

Adding a splash of colour to the Black Crag!

Canol was next on the cards and after some debate about where it started I headed up. The first pitch was easy climbing but only had a couple of novelty wires in 20m! Ben shot up the main pitch and then got himself slightly lost, wandering around the easy ground for a bit trying to remember if it went left or right. Back on the ground I had to call it a day. My ankle was starting to swell. Not to bad for a rest day though!

I did force myself to rest for 2 days but by the Sunday I was dying to get out again. Owen agreed to take me to Tremadog after work so I could get on Falcon and hopefully there'd be enough time for him to look at Vulcan. Tourists driving at 30 mph all the way to Tremadog meant it took a while to get there. Eventually we located the bottom of the route. Owen didn't really want to do the first chossy pitch so I headed up to do it in one.

I went slightly right to a ledge and realised I was at the wrong one. I need to be on the left to start. I put a wire in and climbed back down and across to the right spot. Then I realised that the rope on the right would be useless for the route unless I could swing it around the roofs from higher up. Start located I pulled through the first overhang and got some good gear. A few pulls later I could see the peg in the groove and I was pumped! I made it to the peg and bridged in the groove. My calfs were burning. I hadn't recovered from the mountain marathon at all. I couldn't figure out what to do next. For a split second I considered lowering off there. "Don't be an idiot. If you're coming off this route you're falling off!" I told myself. I ignored my legs, they might be sore but they weren't going to come off. I felt out a hand hold and moved a foot slightly higher. I rocked my weight onto it in the corner and stood up. I did the same with my other foot. Progress! I fiddled a tiny cam into a crack and continued painfully slowly up the groove. A small wire went in and I finally made it to the good foot ledge before the move right. I stuck a few small wires in the horizontal crack and removed a lower one in case I couldn't sort the right hand rope out.

I peered around the arête. I could see the foothold. I reached out with my right foot and slowly rocked out. My right hand went in search of something to help and a good edge had me around pretty easily. Luckily the other rope came to so I wouldn't have to deal with mega rope drag. The crack continued above. At each bulge I got progressively more pumped getting around. Finally the top was in sight. A few moves and I would be there. I tried to go right around the top bulge. A foot popped. I retreated to the rest shaking. "Relax! You’re not fucking blowing this onsight!" I looked to the large crack on the left. From an undercut I reached across and pinched it. I kicked my feet to the wall on the left and laybacked up the crack, arse hanging in space. I was pumped! I managed to get into a secure position. One more move. I just need to get my foot in the crack! I was exhausted. I pulled and dropped my knee in! I rested there for about 5 minutes adrenalin rushing, then topped out. Two and a half hours! Its the longest I've ever spent on a route and not fallen off!

There wasn't enough time for Owen to get on Vulcan so I abbed and stripped the route. Of course the ropes got stuck and I spent 50 min wondering around the top of the crag trying to find them. Luckily I did just before dark! Happy days!

A wet week followed so I stuck to the attic. Thursday came round and it was back to Tremadog with Emma and Ritch. We wandered up Merlin Direct. I got to lead the top pitch which defiantly has some good climbing. Emma then went off with Rich to do Vector. Its a route I'm saving for later in the year. I wandered down to Eric's Café and had a chat with Eric for a bit. What a legend!

Emma heading off up the first pitch of Merlin Direct.

 

The next 2 evenings were spent on Jerry's roof and Bus Stop. I've started working them as a bad weather option. That move to the pocket still feels miles away. Sophie will have it soon I reckon!

Sunday after work had me up to the Grochan with Helena. I decided to push the boat out a bit and get on SS Special. I found the ledge before the top moves very accommodating. So much so I must have re-visited it about 5 times before commiting to the move left. Once out there I kept pulling up on the left! Some terrifying slopeyness had me too far out left and I continued to the top. I'll have to go back and do the route again for the tick. A bit annoying!! Helena then did Slape Direct a nice steep crack line.

Yesterday it was back to Tremadog with Sheila. I did Fang which I've wanted to do for a while. Once I figured the move out and left on pitch two I headed up the slabby ground above. Brilliant climbing. Really enjoyable and totally run out. Defiantly not a place to come off. I couldn't help wondering as I placed an rp if Joe even got any gear in on the first ascent! I then followed Sheila up Carlo and Grim Wall Direct. 15 min down the road from the crag we drove into the rain. The different micro climates never cease to amaze me around here!

I'm currently wrecked. My arms feel dead and my back and shoulders are sore. Its a good way to be. I feel like I'm making some progress for once. I just hope the weather clears up. I'm heading out bouldering later!

Two Week Turn Around.

April was busy! Winter ended late and the Highlander was drawing closer and closer. In typical fashion instead of training for the job at hand in the wet weather I tried some new things!

1. Sit On Top Sea Kayaking:

I don't like being in deep water. It makes me nervous. I can't swim well. However stuck for something to do on a typical wet North Wales day Lily suggested we head kayaking off Newborough on some sit on tops. I borrowed a wet suit and buoyancy aid and was reassured by the fact that sit on tops are impossible to fall out of or roll....

“Lily!” there was alarm in my voice, “The back of this kayak is very low to the water.” Lily looked around her face turned to shock. I was sinking. “We should head back to shore.” I didn't need to be told twice. I turned the kayak and it rolled dumping me in the sea. I wasn't happy! I clung onto the kayak with a climbing style terror grip. Long story short I got rescued by Lily and we towed the kayak back to shore. It had a 2 inch hole in it and took about 5 minutes to drain.

Still not a huge fan of deep water.

2. Surfing:

Went to Rhosneigr with Adam, Ruth and Lily. We checked out a few spots just to establish that the surf was shit everywhere. Perfect for me to learn in then and no chance of being swept home to Ireland. Surfing is something I've wanted to try for ages. Mainly because I think it'd make me look cool. Being a qualified surf instructor and decent individual Lily was willing to give me a lesson. “Paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, PADDLE!” in a crazy instructor voice just about sums it up! After a few failed attempts I managed to pop up and promptly fell off backwards. This happened a few more times then BOOM! I popped up found my balance and I was away. First wave if you could call it that successfully surfed! I felt like a super hero!

How I felt on a tiny wave! Photo: Wikimedia Commons.

Water is growing on me.

3. Cliff Jumping:

Low clag and rain meant climbing was off. In a fit of desperation and running avoidance I paddled a surf board 500m across Llyn Gwynant and did a 4m jump off the rocks. I have never been as scared in my life. Felt totally ridiculous standing on a rock ledge looking at the deep water below and shaking like a leaf. The shaking wasn't from the cold. It took a while... Splash. The cold was biting. The darkness unnerving. I broke the surface. Deep breath. I think I smiled? I went back up and jumped again. The paddle back was freezing!

I am defiantly more comfortable in water now.

Still not a fan of sand, bloody stuff gets everywhere.

***

Two and a half weeks with very little running meant the long journey up to Scotland held an impending sense of doom for me. I knew I was going to suffer. Andy claimed he hadn't been doing much running but what counts as much for someone who rain the Dragon's Back race last year?!

We arrived in Newtonmore and registered. Andy talked to a few folk, ever the sales rep and we headed to the pub. Some food and 4 or 5 pints later we sacked off the idea of pitching a tent and slept in the car. We were up at 06.30 and I finished packing. Breakfast was hard to eat. We were on the bus at 8 and on course about an hour and a half later. The terrain was difficult. Bog, marsh and tussocky heater turned to snow higher up. There was also a route choice to be made for the second half of the course. Any order we liked on the controls. The sun was out in force and I could feel myself burning in the glare from the snow. Andy was up for pushing, I tried to follow but was on a bit of a go slow. At some stage in the day something went in my hip. Every time I lifted my leg I got a stabbing pain. I suffered through slowing Andy down at every uphill. 

Running conditions on day one. Photo: SAIS Creag Meagaidh Blog.

We made it around in 6 hrs 21 min, the leading time was 4hrs 40min! The run into the finish was agony, Andy took my pack for the last few kilometres. Day one finished and I was broken. We got some food, pitched the tent and I crashed out for a few hours. Andy woke me up at 7ish I think I we got some water on for dinner. I got to hear about the virtues of how good the expedition foods meals were as they were resealable and could be used as a hot water bottle while they cooked. “Make sure it doesn't leak” was my advice as I lay there bemused. Five minutes later there was fish pie down Andy's front and on the tent floor. I was too tired to even laugh much.

There was a great atmosphere in the marquee that night with a ceili band, beer and people up dancing. I ate more food. My intake was now verging on the ridiculous. At about eleven I took 4 nurofen and headed to bed hoping for a miraculous recovery in the morning. It didn't happen.

Half five came quickly, we broke camp had food and were on the course at seven. I was suffering, it was raining and the first icy river crossing burned the hell out of my sunburnt legs. A nav error between points 3 and 4 had us moving up the bottom of a steep sided gorge. Eventually we got sick of icy water, falling through snow and sticking in mud and clawed our way up the side and out. Luckily we popped out beside the control. The next few hours passed in a blur of popping nurofen, eating to occupy myself uphill and variable weather. It was sunny, then we had rain, wind, hail, sleet and show then back to sun.

I got very cold near the end after a waist deep river crossing. My right ankle had deteriorated throughout the day and now I could just about manage a hobble downhill. I decided to nip any more problems in the bud and stopped and layered up. Eventually we hit the last downhill section and I hobbled to the finish. 

Scratched legs, sunburn and a slightly less swollen ankle!

We finished 13th overall, well off the pace of the top finishers but I'm happy to have done my first mountain marathon. Thanks to Andy for dragging me around and putting up with my slow pace and complaining! Also Rab lent me an Infinity 300 sleeping bag for the event which was great. Salomon gave me the use of some S-lab ¾ tights and and S-lab t-shirt which didn't come off all weekend and were very comfortable over the many miles. I also had the use of a Klymit X-Frame mat which was surprisingly comfortable and I'd defiantly use one again.

Now I have about two weeks till I'm off to Fairhead. I feel like I've been neglecting my climbing although for once this hasn't bothered me as much as it normally does. So I've two weeks to turn it around. I'm psyched!

Smiling for Days.

Thunk. Another solid placement. Pull. Feet up. Kick, kick. Thunk. I look right. A dim orange glow lights the “V” of the pass. Clear twilight skies freshen the oncoming darkness. I notice the first star twinkle. I'm in control, comfortable and I smile. What a ridiculous situation to be in. 30m up Cascade on Craig y Rhaeadr after work with the onset of darkness approaching. I soak it all in. I know this is special. Its been a good few days.

Twilight from Cascade.

***

Last week Paul Headland who I met on the BMC International Meet got in touch wanting to know what conditions were like in Wales and if I was free towards the end of the week. Luckily I was and we headed to the Black Ladders on Thursday.

I've never seen the Ladders in winter before and of course the first thing that struck me was the obvious gully. Took the guide out to find it was Western Gully, first ascent J. Brown, its now on my list. Spin drift was dumping down it so we headed right with an eye on Icefall Gully. I think we ended up on a route called ATC. Good to shit ice lead into a mixed corner where I struggled to find a belay before I dug out a good crack. Minimal gear had Paul up the second pitch and easy ground and some snow swimming lead to the top. We were back at the car for half three and there was a slight feeling that we should try and get more out of the day but we decided to rest up.

Good ice turning to shit ice. Photo: Paul Headland.

On Friday we headed up to Cwm Hetiau and I climbed The Flying Scotsman. I even got sunburnt! Paul's friend Jim and myself then headed up Railway Gully which was pretty boring. We seemed to just be running out 60m stretches at a time and the angle was constant. The walk off was long and I managed to fall through some banked out snow into the only hole on the mountain!

Cwm Hetiau.

There were some climbing superstars in town over the weekend and I heard that Cascade was in condition. I was interested. Why not give it a go? I texted Will and he was free after work on Monday too, game on.

Cascade is the line on the right.

It was a smooth ascent, finished in the dark. I got bad hotaches, I can live with that. 

Will heading up steep ice to the top.

***

When I think of the climbing and the views and the position I still smile, I haven’t stopped for days.

Smiling for days!

Quiet Times?

Its felt like a quiet few weeks in North Wales since I've been back from France. Then I realise if I go a day or two without doing something I think its quiet. Then I think about home, friends I haven't seen in ages did I do the right thing packing up everything and moving. Lots of people talk about getting out, falling out of love with Ireland, wanting to leave. I've been gone a year in another two weeks. Feeling a bit like I've not done much recently so I'm making a list to remind myself why I'm here and why its worth it...

Ran up Snowdon after work a few times.

Walked up from Llanberis and soloed the Trinity Face after work. It was dark. Felt ridiculous and amazing.

Near the top of Trinity Left Hand.

Walked up to Clogwyn Du after work with Will to try and find something easy to do. The rock was black when we got up there. Nearly got lost about four or five times.

Sitting in a tree for 2 hours belaying Will on Pincushion, he made it to the peg and lowered off.

Perched on an arete on One Step in the Crowds wondering what the hell I'm doing up there for the first trad route of the season and how the hell I'm going to get over the roof. Smeary feet, good jam, work feet up. Hit the slopey lip of the big crack, jam other hand, work feet up on nothing. One last look a the WC zero at my feet. “Trust your feet, don't fuck this up,” is all that's going through my head. My arms are getting tired, I think I've been up here for fifteen minutes or more, time crawls. I pull. I see good holds. Smear feet up. Reach slowly. Keep in balance. My foot pops. I slap up violently as I start to barn-door. My hand lands on the jug. Tremadog rock has never felt so good, I laughed after an outpouring of expletives.

Up at five to 5 am and find the last of the ice in Ogwen with Helena. We walked in, it was warm. Climbed the Idwal slabs in boots at 7 am. Pretty ridiculous. Few snowy and icy holds up top. Felt sorry for the guys starting up it at 9.30 am in rock shoes it was cold!

Helena somewhere up on the Idwal Slabs at a stupidly early hour.

Ran Moel Eilio and around the quarries a few times.

Few beacon sessions.

Seen the Alain Robert talk.

Had a chat with Joe Brown. He showed me this pretty funny video: 

We got chatting about bolting and how he's worried that climbing is loosing its adventure. He comes from a generation where it seems like they just went out and got on with it in pretty much any weather so this week I decided to take a leaf out of Joe's book.

Jono arrived from Ireland on Wednesday. His heel is still injured for his trip to the States so we couldn't head up the mountains to have a look for conditions, too much walking required. We headed up to Skyline in Australia in the quarries instead. I got on one of Joe's routes, a HVS which had 30m of novelty gear placements until I got a good wire 10m from the top. It got windy, then the horizontal snow came whizzing by followed by hail. The rock stayed dry so Jono climbed directly to the line of bolts on the 6a. I was wearing two belay jackets. We couldn't feel our feet or hands. Just as I topped out to join Jono it started raining. The rock got wet so we sacked it off...

A crap forecast lead to us drinking too much that night. Made it up to Vivian at 2 pm the next day with a raging hangover. Jono had his eye on the Dervish. I offered to lead Last Tango for a warm up. I was in trouble straight away. I could barely get of the ground. I couldn't seem to quite put my feet and hands where I wanted them. Moving up the crack to the overlap I was feeling really rough. It was a mega effort not to vomit, then I got the shakes and couldn't keep my feet on anything. I put in a wire and lowered off. Jono shot up the route. Just as he got back down we heard a rushing sound. A wall of white hail came in from the mountains and soaked the place. The ropes got stuck when Jono tried to pull them. An ad-hoc system got him back up the ropes to release them. We retired to Llanberis in the rain.

So back to the start of the post. Did I do the right thing in moving? I think this picture says it all.

Alone on the Trinity Face in the dark. Never been happier! I swear I'm smiling.