Life Catches Up.

I said I was getting better. I wasn't. I've been in steady decline. I've now got two professional opinions that my hip will either get better with exercise or worse. Its not a torn muscle.Worse means operation. I've been told to keep doing what I normally do. Run, climb, keep it active, keep it moving. How can I run when I know its going to be sore? I feel alone and detached.

I hiked my way up to Cloggy last Thursday with Rich. I wanted to get on Shrike. My hip was sore at the top and my mind elsewhere. On reflection I wasn't in the right mind frame. We abseiled in. I was slightly scared and totally in awe. The Axe looked amazing. I pulled onto Shrike. I pretty much came off as quick. A stupid, stupid mistake had me hanging off my only bit of gear just above the ground. Luckily it was a number four camalot. I came back down and got back on. Doubt had set in and I tried to follow the route description as exactly as it sounded. I committed to a traverse and ended up in no man's land. I couldn't find any gear. The swing potential was enough that I would get hurt. “Rich... I'm really not happy,” the tone of my voice said it all “like really not happy.” I didn't know what to do. I placed a large offset in a flared crack that half the nut went into. I twisted it and it popped out. I put it back in. About fifteen slow minutes of contemplation followed. I managed to reverse the traverse... just. I lowered off and Rich lead the route. 

Ritch Gentry cruising pitch two of Shrike.

I thought nothing of it for a few days. Shit happens. I wasn't on form. Whatever. Its one of those things. I know now, its more than that. Life has caught up. I've built a brick wall around a lot of things since moving. A long term relationship was ended over skype and I just got on with life. I didn't know what else do do. Anyone I had around I'd known for less than three months. Everything else was new and exciting. I had good training facilities, unexplored mountains and crags and a massive selection of trad and sports routes. I still do, I've barely scratched the surface but motivation has died when I know its going to hurt. The enjoyment and freedom I get from the situations when I'm at my limit has been dead recently because I can't push. Its impossible to concentrate when pain shoots through my right hip when I move it a certain way.

I moved to North Wales to climb and work. I needed a job and the location was the luckiest thing that's ever happened to me. But now, being injured, I feel foreign and isolated. Everyone I know climbs and I'm not really climbing at the minute. It defiantly makes me question my life decisions and miss friends and family back home.

The Axe. One of the most stunning routes in North Wales. A good reason to live here.

I'm really struggling at the minute.

I've been denying it to myself for a long time. The brick walls have stood and I've ran and climbed. There was always another project or trip and now there's not. I've no plans, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm lost. I thought I could deal with it but clearly I can't.

Chris was around the other morning. I came downstairs just before work. “How's it going man?” I mumbled a response. He looked at me, “Are you ok?” For the first time in a long time I was honest, I paused and thought, “no.” and I broke down.

Work has been amazing. I've been off for three days and they know exactly why and I've been told to take the time I need. I know this will all pass and I'll wonder what was ever wrong with me but at the moment I'm really struggling. Its not easy to leave everything behind and trade it for something else overnight. I've denied it to myself for a long time and now I need to accept it, deal with it and move on. Its hard.

Lonley.

I've made great friends in North Wales and I'm here for the duration however long that is. I love this place, I love the climbing but being injured sucks. Recently I've been grounded, torn muscle in the hip and tight everything makes even walking painful. Basically everything hurts, I can't run, I can't cycle and climbing hurts fuckloads. Last week I was sitting around the house alone as has been the general trend recently. I went for a walk in the rain around the back of Vivian Quarry. The bluebells were amazing. I got home two hours later, it was still early enough in the day and I was at a loss as for what to do. I cooked some eggs for dinner and sat at the table, tried to eat them and cried. Its hard to say and admit but it happened. I've never felt so alone in my life and I don't know why. Probably a combination of injury and change. Rich noticed when he walked into the shop the next day. He said it looked like I'd been crying. I denied it of course. Chris and Karen I think, noticed and have pretty much taken me in the last few days. It means the world to me to have people like that in my life.

Myself and Chris, a smile hides all. Photo - Richard Williams.

Its only because I feel much better now I'm comfortable saying this. One year is not long but its been enough for me to realise a lot. Its hard to move countries, leaving friends and family behind. Sure modern communication helps but I've seen my family for possibly four or five days in the last year and a bit. I missed Christmas and god knows what else in between. I think change and distance has finally caught up with me a bit and I'll deal with in time. New and exciting has changed to routine. Since I've struggled every day gets easier. Climbing provides freedom from everything. I have great friends. It was Gogarth with the Americans last week, I'm on for a painful slog to Cloggy in the morning. Joe said he'd love to be able to just walk up and have a look at it, I'm going to climb. I know life is good and I'm really lucky. But seriously get in touch, come stay, the door is always open and I'd love to see people.